SUMMER'S LAST GASP

In less than two weeks, I will be charged with teaching another round of college students the insights associated with professional journalism and television production.  I find myself in a bizarre place in my head.

At first when the summer hit, I couldn't get used to not going to work.  I know, I know.. boo hoo poor me.. but seriously.  When you've spent your entire adult life living from deadline to deadline and suddenly you have none, it is freakish.  Here I couldn't wait to relax and unwind, but I found myself feeling strangely lost and quite surprised at feeling that way.  What on earth was happening?  Well, I asked around and apparently it happens to all first-time professors who once worked in "the real world."  We have to find different motivations for getting out of bed in the morning other than having to be at work by a certain time.  Interesting.  I guess it's one thing to have two or three weeks off in an extended vacation and another thing entirely when the time away is more like three months.

I learned something about myself in this summer experience.  For all the times I've complained about being overworked, overly busy, and obviously stressed out, I found out I'm actually happier when I'm productive.. perhaps not to the point of hysterics, but a nice steady pace of things to do.  And so.  By early-to-mid July, I rolled up my sleeves and started knocking out little projects here and there.  You know, all those things you mean to get to but never seem to have the time.  That said, I also gave myself the license to truly unwind mentally and physically.  It took some getting used to, but I eventually adjusted.  I still had a grad school class to contend with, but the pacing was much slower than the usual semester.  It simply paled in comparison.

And now, here I am, happily adjusted to not working.  I'm content.  I'm sleeping well and I feel good.  But here we are.  Suddenly, it's time to work again.  My mind and body are fighting me.

Honestly, though.  I can't stand listening to myself whine.  Somebody please shut me up, hand me a textbook, and tell me to put a lid on it.  This is hardly a problem.  I'm simply experiencing the last gasp of summer break.

I must, however, pose the question.  How can the "fall semester" be starting when it's still 105 degrees outside?  It may be fall on the books but it most certainly does not feel like fall outside.  But that's another topic for another day...

CITY WORKERS ATTACK

My trash can magically reappeared.  ???  While my neighbors aren't exactly Einstein clones, I didn't take them to be raving lunatics.  This is so bizarre!  Who steals nasty ole trash cans?  And then returns them?  Well, fine.  At least I don't have to go buy another one.  And let's face it.  It's a trash can.  It's hardly a family heirloom.

I'm wondering if the magical reappearance has something to do with the city workers and their big noisy machines chewing up my yard last week.  These long yellow tubes are being plugged into everybody's front lawn up and down the street.  I believe AT&T is putting in fiber optics.  Woop-tee-doo.  I'm still not going to order their service.  Lay alllllll the lines you want, boys. I distinctly remember AT&T's rotten customer service from past experiences and no amount of fancy wires is going to change my mind.  I suppose it could be the cable company.  But I'm not dealing with them either.  Hooray for non-AT&T cell phones and satellite TV.  Now could you please fill all these ugly holes?  I know you've got a job to do, but you're wasting your time here.  And my poor grass.  Please don't leave me with a yard of DIRT like last summer.

But I will say... if those workers had something to do with my trash can reappearing, then I salute them.  Now.  If only they could get their buddies with the city to come pick up the big pile of broken limbs that's been sitting near the curb since our rash of storms and tornadoes several months ago.  That would be quite welcome.  I'm not sure why it's taking the city so long to pick up the brush pile.  I suppose they're fully occupied with digging holes.

But hey.  At least I have my trash can back.

THIEF

Someone stole my trash can.  WHO DOES THAT?  So irritated.  Harumph.

INSOMNIA

There are some nights when I feel like I'll miss out on something if I go to bed too early.  I can't explain it.  I no longer live in a big city mecca hubbub of activity.  I live in a small town that shuts down way before midnight.  What exactly would I be missing?  Nothing.  I'm missing absolutely nothing.  And then I hit a second wind right after midnight because of all the crazy shifts I used to work in a former life as a broadcast journalist slash TV producer slash manager of a 24 hour operation.  The night owl comes alive and then I never seem to get tired.  And then I wind up sleeping in too late the next morning.  And then I'm dragging around all day in a fog.  And OH it feels so good to get a healthy, nourishing night's sleep and wake up feeling refreshed and energized.  Do I want that or don't I?  What is going on in my head?  When will I ever get to the point that I can sleep like normal people?  Will I ever?

BLAH BLAH TWITTER BLAH

I've had a Twitter account for awhile.  I used it a lot more when I worked in the broadcast journalism industry.  It just seemed to fit that role well.  As in, "we're working on a tip from (someone) regarding (such-and-so).." etc.  But now that I've left the industry for academia, I feel a bit lost with my Twitter account.  I'm not sure what to do with it.  I feel like all my Tweets are just stupid.  Granted, it's a fun way to network... especially when someone supercool decides to follow me... but beyond that, I'm not sure what to say.  I find myself retweeting lots of goofball things I get from other people.  Yes, I am capable of originality and creativity, but sarcasm doesn't always translate well in 140 characters or less.  It makes me feel so BORING.  Am I boring?  Oh dear.  Maybe I am and I've just been in denial all this time, thinking I was an interesting person with clever things to say.  Now I don't know what to think.  And how could something like Twitter make me second guess my entire personality?  That's absurd.  Or is it?  I think I need to go in another room and cry now.  Okay not really.  Maybe I'm a supercool person who isn't thinking clearly because it's 3p and I'm just realizing I didn't get lunch and I'm starving.  Yeah.  Stupid Twitter.

CIRCADIAN RHYTHMS (OR LACK THEREOF)

On this, the Memorial Day holiday, I should be a mindful, patriotic American citizen and center my thoughts on the many lives lost serving in the US Armed Forces.  But no.

Instead, I'm dwelling on sleep... or to be more precise... the lack thereof.  I feel like my eyes are open too wide and my eyeballs will fall out of their sockets.  My stomach is a little tight and jittery.  My mouth is dry and cottony.  I have a slight, dull headache in the center of my forehead.  I'm subconsciously grinding my teeth.  I can't hold a thought for more than a few seconds.  In other words, it's that horrid feeling we get from staying up all night only to see the bright, sun-filled sky of the new day before us.  And why am I suffering so?  Here's what's really dumb about it.  I did it to myself.  Deliberately.  I made myself stay up all night.  I'll explain.

Since the end of the spring semester (I am, after all,  both a professor and a graduate student), I've allowed myself to catch up on rest as my body called for it.  No alarm.  No agenda.  Very few obligations on the calendar.  I was mentally taxed and I took several days to sleep lots and lots to let my body fully recover and rest up.

Now, you see, here's where it gets insane.

I spent five miserable years working on overnights at one of the prestigious 24-hour cable news networks only to find myself worn out, depressed, and a tad psychotic.  I absolutely despised working the graveyard shift.  HATED it.  It was so hard on me.  So I left that job to be away from the glamour shift of the living dead.  And now that I'm free to sleep however and whenever I want, my body goes back to those stupid hateful hours.  WHICH MAKES NO SENSE.  It's completely idiotic but there were nights this past week where I found myself staying up until 4a or 5a only to sleep well after noon.  There was one day I woke up at 530pm.  That's not an exaggeration.  I just slept the entire day away.  I woke up with my head pounding to the tune of a migrane.  I thought it was going to blow up.

And so, you see, my thinking is that by NOT going to bed at 5a, I'll make myself stay up and go to sleep at a normal hour tonight and wake up at a normal hour tomorrow morning.  In theory.  Nevermind, I'll be completely useless today.  I ought to not operate heavy machinery but somebody's got to mow the lawn.  I promise not to fire up the grill.  I'm sure that would end badly.  Any cookout feast will have to involve me imposing on somebody else.

I got this idea by remembering how I addressed jet lag a couple of years ago when I flew to Greece.  I arrived in Athens at their 10am.  And while I would've loved to get some shuteye, instead I went to a darling sidewalk cafe in Plaka and had an amazing lunch.  I followed that with a trek up to the Acropolis.  I followed that by getting all cleaned up and cute and having dinner at the rooftop restaurant of a gorgeous historic hotel in Constitution Square.  There was a view of the Parthenon lit up beautifully against the night sky.  It was an absolutely magical day that kicked off an incredible three week vacation.  And if I had gone in my hotel room and crawled in bed when I first got off the plane, it would have never happened.

So today will be my domestic jet lag day in hopes of resetting my body clock.  I must find ways to make the day equally adventurous even if I am on this side of the pond.  I won't be climbing the Citadel of Athens but perhaps I can start today's adventure with a nice, long bike ride.  I wonder if sleep deprivation triggers vertigo.  Ugh my eyeballs.  Did I mention they feel like they're going to fall out of my head?

HUH?

I'm SO busy.. I just.. I can't.. Where do I.. How does that.. How can I..  I give up.  Raising the white flag. This is my brain going SPLAT!